Little Girl….Little Girl.

THERE IS AN AMAZING HEART-FELT BLOG THAT I FOLLOW PRETTY CLOSELY, CALLED “MEIA AMOR”. MEIA IS A FAMILY FRIEND WHO HIGHLIGHTS THE STRUGGLES, SUCCESSES, HIGHS AND LOWS OF LIFE – AND TOUCHES ON TOPICS THAT MOST FOLKS WOULD NEVER DARE TO; AND I OFTEN VISIT HER BLOG FOR AN ENCOURAGING WORD ON THE DAYS WHERE LIFE JUST SEEMS TO BE A LITTLE TOO MUCH. WELL, TODAY HAS BEEN ONE OF THOSE DAYS!

THIS MORNING,  I SCROLLED THROUGH MEIA’S ARCHIVES, AND FOUND A POSTING ENTITLED “A LETTER FROM MY FAÇADE”; A POWERFUL MESSAGE FROM HER INNER DEFENSE MECHANISM. IT INSTANTLY TORE ME UP! I SAT IN BED BAWLING SILENTLY, BEING ABLE TO RELATE TO EVERY WORD WRITTEN – AND WHEN I FINALLY WAS ABLE TO PULL MYSELF TOGETHER, I BEGAN TO WRITE. FOR WEEKS NOW, I HAVE BEEN EXPERIENCING ANXIETY, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, AND STRESS ON A LEVEL I NEVER HAVE BEFORE. I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO WRITE OUT MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS – BUT COULD NEVER SEEM TO MAKE ANY SENSE OF THEM. UNTIL TODAY. SO HERE IS A, SOMEWHAT SENSIBLE, LETTER TO 12-YEAR-OLD ME:

HEY LITTLE GIRL;

I KNOW I HAVEN’T SPOKEN TO YOU IN A WHILE – BUT I CAN NO LONGER PRETEND LIKE YOU AREN’T THERE. BECAUSE OF YOU, I HAVE LIVED A LIFE OF FALSE FREEDOM; PRETENDING THAT YOU WERE A THING OF THE PAST. THAT I HAD OUTGROWN YOU. LIVING A LIFE OF FALSE DELIVERANCE, WHEN REALLY, I WAS STILL BOUND. BOUND BY MEMORIES OF A PAST THAT I REFUSED TO LET GO. STRICKEN BY A HOLE IN MY HEART THAT I CHOSE TO IGNORE. CONTROLLED BY THOUGHTS OF REGRET, SHAME, GUILT AND DEFEAT. LIVING LIFE IN SLOW MOTION, LETTING GOOD SLIP THROUGH MY HANDS AND BLESSINGS PASS ME BY.

FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER, I HAVE BEEN A LIAR. NOT BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE – BUT BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID TO BE AUTHENTICALLY ME.

ALL MY LIFE I HAD BEEN ASHAMED OF WHO I WAS. I HAD LABELED MYSELF AS FAT, UNLOVABLE, UNDESIRABLE, UGLY, DUMB, INSECURE, ETC. I’D LET LIFE’S EXPERIENCES AND HURTS DEFINE ME. I LEARNED TO LIVE BEHIND A FAÇADE, PRETENDING THAT I WAS OKAY. THAT GOD HAD WIPED ALL OF THE PAIN AWAY.  WEARING A SMILE THAT DIDN’T EXTEND PAST THE CHURCH LOT OR SOCIAL MEDIA POSTS. BEING IN RELATIONSHIPS THAT NEVER EXPOSED MY DEMONS – ALLOWING ME TO FLOURISH IN MY INSECURITIES. AND THEN….“SHE” CHANGED THAT.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN LIFE, I HAD A FRIEND WHO CAME ALONG AND SHE BROKE. ME. DOWN. SHE TAPPED INTO A PLACE OF HURT THAT I HID FROM FOR YEARS – AND BRICK BY BRICK DISMANTLED THE WALL THAT YOU HELPED ME TO BUILD.

SHE MADE ME WANT TO BE PURE AND HONEST – I TOLD HER THINGS THAT NO ONE ELSE KNOWS. I SHOWED HER MY VULNERABILITIES AND BECAME BETTER BECAUSE OF IT. AND THROUGH HER, I FOUND THE STRENGTH TO SILENCE YOU.

AND THAT ANGERED YOU – DIDN’T IT?

YOU HATED THAT THIS FRIEND SAW THE BROKEN FRAGMENTS AND HELPED ME TO PIECE MY LIFE BACK TOGETHER – THAT SHE OFFERED ME FREEDOM AND PEACE AND SAFETY. WHILE YOU TRIED TO BIND ME TO CONFUSION, HATRED AND LIES.

SHE REMINDED ME THAT THERE WAS HOPE FOR ME. EVEN AFTER SHE WATCHED ME ALLOW YOU TO RUIN SO MANY RELATIONSHIPS AND OPPORTUNITIES WITH YOUR DECEITFUL WAYS, SHE STILL WANTED TO HELP ME.

SHE HELPED ME TO EVOLVE. WITH HER HELP, I BECAME COMPASSIONATE, LOVING, NURTURING AND HONEST. SHE BECAME MY SAFE PLACE. SHE REPLACED YOU. I NO LONGER NEEDED YOU AND THE COMFORT YOU ONCE OFFERED ME. SHE LOVED ME.

YOU COULDN’T COMPETE.

SO EARNESTLY, JEALOUSLY, YOU RAN AFTER ME. YOU HAUNTED ME IN MY SLEEP. YOU SEEMINGLY CHOKED ME IN MY SLEEP, MAKING IT HARD FOR ME TO BREATHE.

YOU…THAT SCARED, DISHONEST, LITTLE GIRL ROSE BACK UP. THIS TIME WITH A VENGEANCE. AND SUBCONSCIOUSLY, I LET YOU CREEP IN AND TAKE CONTROL. I REVIVED YOU. I STOOD BY AS YOU SUCKED EVERY OUNCE OF PURITY AND HONESTY OUT OF ME, AND OUR FRIENDSHIP – UNTIL I BECAME SOMEONE SHE (and many others) NO LONGER RECOGNIZED. I ALLOWED YOU TO DESTROY ME.

ABOUT A MONTH AGO NOW, SHE CUT TIES WITH ME…YOU… US.

WE HURT HER.

I LET YOU WIN…AGAIN.

I LET YOU BULLY ME INTO DESTROYING THE PURIST FRIENDSHIP I HAVE EVER KNOWN. I LET YOU TEAR DOWN EVERYTHING THAT I HAD BUILT. BUT THIS TIME, THAT WASN’T ENOUGH FOR YOU. THIS TIME, YOU WENT AFTER ME, TOO!  FOR A MONTH NOW, I HAVE LET YOU RUN RAPID IN MY MIND. YOU HAVE DISCOURAGED MY SPIRIT. YOU HAVE CAUSED ANXIETY ATTACKS THAT HAVE LANDED ME IN THE HOSPITAL AND BEING PRESCRIBED MEDICATION. YOU HAVE ATTACKED MY BODY AND HAVE EVEN CAUSED ME TO CONSIDER TAKING MY LIFE.

BUT TODAY, IN THIS MOMENT, I CHOOSE TRUTH.

AND IN EACH MOMENT TO COME, I WILL CHOOSE FREEDOM.

BECAUSE IF THERE IS ANYTHING SHE TAUGHT ME,

IT IS THAT MY LIFE IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR.

AND IF I  NEVER GET MY BEST FRIEND BACK,

EVERY TIME YOU TRY TO RISE UP, I WILL THINK OF HER, AND I WILL CHOOSE LIFE.

GOODBYE LITTLE GIRL,

YOU DON’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE!

-And to my best friend – “I will love you, until it doesn’t hurt you anymore.”

Written by: Taylor Butler

Category: Uncategorized | 1 comment

  • Linda Thompson says:

    Sis I’m sorry that this is your testimony but I thank God that you are here. When I first heard your story on a few years back I there was so many emotions. For you, your parents and family. I tried to think and learn how I can help protect my children my four children as well as others. I pray the Lord guides you and you see how beautiful you are, as a teen I always thought your mom was so well put together and you were adorable and are beautiful today. I lost my brother to what has been called a suicide this past December he was 24 years old. We ultimately belong to God but he allows us free choice but if you could just get a glimpse of the pain I feel everyday about my baby brother I think it would be enough to erase the thought. He is the second brother I’ve lost the first one was only 17 but loosing someone to suicide is an all together different type of pain and I’m not even sure he did it but the mere thought that he could’ve hurts. I don’t ever want someone to feel that alone. I know we don’t know each other well but sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone who doesn’t know much of your situation or not connected to your circle. I love you and thank God for you. Keep on keeping on with joy, forgiveness, peace, love and laughter.


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