I had an exchange with someone recently and they said their children are not at risk for being sexually abused because everyone knows they will kill anyone who harms their child. I wasn’t surprised by the statement. In fact, I hear it all the time from people from all walks of life and cultural backgrounds. I was however, disappointed that so many people still believe predators operate using logic, reasoning, or normal human emotions like fear.

It is this very myth that creates opportunity for predators to molest undetected for years. Parents and caregivers must realize that predators are not ruled by fear; they are ruled by desire. It is desire and being devoid of a conscience and basic human decency that overrides any fear of what a parent will do to them if they are caught. In fact, the predator believes they are far more superior in their thought process than you are, so they already have an explanation for their actions formulated in their mind by the off-chance that they are discovered.

By assigning basic human traits to these monsters,  you allow them to move in and out of your midst with ease. They smile, carry on appropriate conversation, and behave like a “normal” adult. All the while, they are sexually abusing children at every opportunity and the children are wondering why no one is seeing what is going on and coming to their rescue.

You must stop making assumptions about who people are; what they are capable of, and how you perceive your relationship with them impacts their behaviors. Because the truth of the matter is, they aren’t afraid of you and they are relying on your ignorance to get closer to you and subsequently, your child. It’s as though they are laughing at you on the inside every time you proclaim how much hell you will unleash on anyone who dares to harm your child because they know just how uninformed you are about what is happening to your child right under your nose.

Until you are willing to consider everyone a suspect and treat them as such by monitoring how they interact with not only your child, but all children as well as limiting their access to your child, you will provide means and opportunity. This goes for family, friends, clergy, coaches, and professionals alike.

Dont be afraid to set clear boundaries. If you don’t want someone tickling your child, hugging your child, or giving random gifts to your child, that is ok and doesn’t need any further explanation than “please don’t do that”. If you don’t allow your child to sleep over at other people’s homes or attend events without you, so be it. Also, don’t be afraid to let people know that you are watching them and everyone else for that matter if they question any of the boundaries you set for your child.

You must make it difficult for the predator to have unfettered access to your child since fear isn’t a factor in their choice of child. Frustrating their efforts and interrupting their patterns will cause them to abandon their mission because they generally  prefer easy prey. Remember, the desire to molest a child rules them and they are bent on feeding that desire so they don’t want extend unnecessary time and energy on the chase.

You should also check in with your child, regardless of age. Ask them how they feel about specific people and really take note of their response. If anything seems off, be willing to remove that person from your child’s life quickly and without explanation if necessary. In addition, you need to affirm your child by acknowledging their feelings and letting them know that they don’t have to be around that person if they don’t want to. This will go a long way in helping them understand that they can always tell you if someone is hurting them or doing something to them that they don’t like.

At the end of the day, every child is vulnerable to sexual abuse because child molesters aren’t afraid of parents or the parents’ “consequences”. Learning how predators operate and considering everyone a suspect until they prove otherwise are the only ways to genuinely keep your child safe and protected from predatory behavior.

THERE IS AN AMAZING HEART-FELT BLOG THAT I FOLLOW PRETTY CLOSELY, CALLED “MEIA AMOR”. MEIA IS A FAMILY FRIEND WHO HIGHLIGHTS THE STRUGGLES, SUCCESSES, HIGHS AND LOWS OF LIFE – AND TOUCHES ON TOPICS THAT MOST FOLKS WOULD NEVER DARE TO; AND I OFTEN VISIT HER BLOG FOR AN ENCOURAGING WORD ON THE DAYS WHERE LIFE JUST SEEMS TO BE A LITTLE TOO MUCH. WELL, TODAY HAS BEEN ONE OF THOSE DAYS!

THIS MORNING,  I SCROLLED THROUGH MEIA’S ARCHIVES, AND FOUND A POSTING ENTITLED “A LETTER FROM MY FAÇADE”; A POWERFUL MESSAGE FROM HER INNER DEFENSE MECHANISM. IT INSTANTLY TORE ME UP! I SAT IN BED BAWLING SILENTLY, BEING ABLE TO RELATE TO EVERY WORD WRITTEN – AND WHEN I FINALLY WAS ABLE TO PULL MYSELF TOGETHER, I BEGAN TO WRITE. FOR WEEKS NOW, I HAVE BEEN EXPERIENCING ANXIETY, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, AND STRESS ON A LEVEL I NEVER HAVE BEFORE. I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO WRITE OUT MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS – BUT COULD NEVER SEEM TO MAKE ANY SENSE OF THEM. UNTIL TODAY. SO HERE IS A, SOMEWHAT SENSIBLE, LETTER TO 12-YEAR-OLD ME:

HEY LITTLE GIRL;

I KNOW I HAVEN’T SPOKEN TO YOU IN A WHILE – BUT I CAN NO LONGER PRETEND LIKE YOU AREN’T THERE. BECAUSE OF YOU, I HAVE LIVED A LIFE OF FALSE FREEDOM; PRETENDING THAT YOU WERE A THING OF THE PAST. THAT I HAD OUTGROWN YOU. LIVING A LIFE OF FALSE DELIVERANCE, WHEN REALLY, I WAS STILL BOUND. BOUND BY MEMORIES OF A PAST THAT I REFUSED TO LET GO. STRICKEN BY A HOLE IN MY HEART THAT I CHOSE TO IGNORE. CONTROLLED BY THOUGHTS OF REGRET, SHAME, GUILT AND DEFEAT. LIVING LIFE IN SLOW MOTION, LETTING GOOD SLIP THROUGH MY HANDS AND BLESSINGS PASS ME BY.

FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER, I HAVE BEEN A LIAR. NOT BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE – BUT BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID TO BE AUTHENTICALLY ME.

ALL MY LIFE I HAD BEEN ASHAMED OF WHO I WAS. I HAD LABELED MYSELF AS FAT, UNLOVABLE, UNDESIRABLE, UGLY, DUMB, INSECURE, ETC. I’D LET LIFE’S EXPERIENCES AND HURTS DEFINE ME. I LEARNED TO LIVE BEHIND A FAÇADE, PRETENDING THAT I WAS OKAY. THAT GOD HAD WIPED ALL OF THE PAIN AWAY.  WEARING A SMILE THAT DIDN’T EXTEND PAST THE CHURCH LOT OR SOCIAL MEDIA POSTS. BEING IN RELATIONSHIPS THAT NEVER EXPOSED MY DEMONS – ALLOWING ME TO FLOURISH IN MY INSECURITIES. AND THEN….“SHE” CHANGED THAT.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN LIFE, I HAD A FRIEND WHO CAME ALONG AND SHE BROKE. ME. DOWN. SHE TAPPED INTO A PLACE OF HURT THAT I HID FROM FOR YEARS – AND BRICK BY BRICK DISMANTLED THE WALL THAT YOU HELPED ME TO BUILD.

SHE MADE ME WANT TO BE PURE AND HONEST – I TOLD HER THINGS THAT NO ONE ELSE KNOWS. I SHOWED HER MY VULNERABILITIES AND BECAME BETTER BECAUSE OF IT. AND THROUGH HER, I FOUND THE STRENGTH TO SILENCE YOU.

AND THAT ANGERED YOU – DIDN’T IT?

YOU HATED THAT THIS FRIEND SAW THE BROKEN FRAGMENTS AND HELPED ME TO PIECE MY LIFE BACK TOGETHER – THAT SHE OFFERED ME FREEDOM AND PEACE AND SAFETY. WHILE YOU TRIED TO BIND ME TO CONFUSION, HATRED AND LIES.

SHE REMINDED ME THAT THERE WAS HOPE FOR ME. EVEN AFTER SHE WATCHED ME ALLOW YOU TO RUIN SO MANY RELATIONSHIPS AND OPPORTUNITIES WITH YOUR DECEITFUL WAYS, SHE STILL WANTED TO HELP ME.

SHE HELPED ME TO EVOLVE. WITH HER HELP, I BECAME COMPASSIONATE, LOVING, NURTURING AND HONEST. SHE BECAME MY SAFE PLACE. SHE REPLACED YOU. I NO LONGER NEEDED YOU AND THE COMFORT YOU ONCE OFFERED ME. SHE LOVED ME.

YOU COULDN’T COMPETE.

SO EARNESTLY, JEALOUSLY, YOU RAN AFTER ME. YOU HAUNTED ME IN MY SLEEP. YOU SEEMINGLY CHOKED ME IN MY SLEEP, MAKING IT HARD FOR ME TO BREATHE.

YOU…THAT SCARED, DISHONEST, LITTLE GIRL ROSE BACK UP. THIS TIME WITH A VENGEANCE. AND SUBCONSCIOUSLY, I LET YOU CREEP IN AND TAKE CONTROL. I REVIVED YOU. I STOOD BY AS YOU SUCKED EVERY OUNCE OF PURITY AND HONESTY OUT OF ME, AND OUR FRIENDSHIP – UNTIL I BECAME SOMEONE SHE (and many others) NO LONGER RECOGNIZED. I ALLOWED YOU TO DESTROY ME.

ABOUT A MONTH AGO NOW, SHE CUT TIES WITH ME…YOU… US.

WE HURT HER.

I LET YOU WIN…AGAIN.

I LET YOU BULLY ME INTO DESTROYING THE PURIST FRIENDSHIP I HAVE EVER KNOWN. I LET YOU TEAR DOWN EVERYTHING THAT I HAD BUILT. BUT THIS TIME, THAT WASN’T ENOUGH FOR YOU. THIS TIME, YOU WENT AFTER ME, TOO!  FOR A MONTH NOW, I HAVE LET YOU RUN RAPID IN MY MIND. YOU HAVE DISCOURAGED MY SPIRIT. YOU HAVE CAUSED ANXIETY ATTACKS THAT HAVE LANDED ME IN THE HOSPITAL AND BEING PRESCRIBED MEDICATION. YOU HAVE ATTACKED MY BODY AND HAVE EVEN CAUSED ME TO CONSIDER TAKING MY LIFE.

BUT TODAY, IN THIS MOMENT, I CHOOSE TRUTH.

AND IN EACH MOMENT TO COME, I WILL CHOOSE FREEDOM.

BECAUSE IF THERE IS ANYTHING SHE TAUGHT ME,

IT IS THAT MY LIFE IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR.

AND IF I  NEVER GET MY BEST FRIEND BACK,

EVERY TIME YOU TRY TO RISE UP, I WILL THINK OF HER, AND I WILL CHOOSE LIFE.

GOODBYE LITTLE GIRL,

YOU DON’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE!

-And to my best friend – “I will love you, until it doesn’t hurt you anymore.”

Written by: Taylor Butler

1 comment

I recently watched a clip of Kathie Lee Gifford speaking about fired TV journalist, Matt Lauer, on the Today show. Gifford was emotional and tearfully expressed shock about the recent reports that Lauer sexually harassed female employees by making lewd and unwanted sexual advances towards them, which created a stressful and traumatic work environment.

She went on to say that the man who had been accused of, and subsequently admitted to some of the accusations, was not the man she knew and loved over the years. And, while this is a textbook display of cognitive dissonance as it relates to how people often grapple to reconcile the reality that someone they know and even love is a sexual predator who has operated under their noses, it was the statements that followed that made me want to jump through the screen and slap her silly!

Gifford began to wax poetic about how “we’ve all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” and how “no one is perfect”. Then came her cry for mercy to be shown to those who prey on others by comparing sexually predatory behavior to bad behavior such as infidelity. The final rub was her call for forgiveness to be extended to Lauer and anyone else who is guilty of such behavior.

The entire 2:25 minute diatribe that started at the 3:30 minute mark vexed me in so many ways and created a whirlwind of thoughts to bounce off the walls of my mind. I was reeling with feelings of anger, frustration, disbelief, and an overall WTH attitude! I mean, did she really just sit there and suggest that a sexual predator should be granted immediate forgiveness and mercy by trying to convince us that Lauer’s actions are not the sum total of who he is as a person? Really? To that I say, BITE ME, Kathie!

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, let’s consider the trauma that the victims of sexual predators experience at the hands of their abuser and then subsequently by law enforcement, friends and family, and society at large. The trauma of the abuse or violation creates life long emotional and psychological scars that remain well after any physical signs disappear.

The feelings of peace and safety being snatched away in the batting of an eye; the feelings of weakness and shame, the notion that the violation could have been avoided if only one had said, done, acted, or worn something different plays on a constant loop in the victim’s head for days, weeks, months, even years. They struggle with telling someone what happened because they wonder if they’ll be believed or be blamed for what was done to them. It lives with them and changes how they see the world and interact with everyone in their lives. But, Kathie and so many like her, want the victim and the rest of us to extend mercy and forgiveness! Again, really?

Nevermind the fact that in many instances these predators won’t even admit to their actions, nor do they even ask for forgiveness. And, if we want to consider the scriptures, we are to extend forgiveness once a person repents and asks for forgiveness. But even beyond that, why is it so easy for folks like Kathie to completely overlook the hell that the victim has experienced as they race to coddle the abuser? Why isn’t the pain and trauma the victim experienced the focal point of the conversation? Why are they so comfortable pleading for the abuser to be restored all the while sending a clear message to the victim to just forgive and get over it?

This lack of compassion and concern for the victim is a sickness within our society that has contributed to the pervasiveness of sexual violence and misconduct for hundreds of years. The lack of protection of the victim tells the predators that most folks really don’t care that deeply about the victims and the trauma that is caused by this deviant behavior. The immediate need to restore the predator is a green light for them to continue to act on their impulses because the penalty is almost nonexistent and they are often welcomed back into the community relatively quick, if they were even banished at all.

Admonishing the victim and those of us who believe predators should face extreme penalties for their actions is the equivalent of holding the victim down and watching the violation and then saying “it wasn’t that bad” when it’s over. By standing up and proclaiming that there is reason to explore the idea of redemption for these blackened souls, you spit in the face of the victim and try to convince them that it’s raindrops.

So again, I can’t help but scream “BITE ME” to every sexual assault apologist and those pushing the “forgive and move on mantra”. Take your tears and pleas and shove it! Your need to push forgiveness on the victim is cruel and unimaginably insensitive. You open up their wounds afresh with every syllable you utter. And, no matter how much you proclaim to be a Christian who loves Jesus and HIS word, you’re just as much a part of the problem as the predator!

This past week, I celebrated thanksgiving with a friend and her family. Holidays have been a difficult time for me the past couple of years since my family has relocated to GA. Fortunately, I still have a few relatives here and some great friends whose families have taken me in and loved on me; especially during the holidays!

While celebrating, a conversation arose about a young woman who, like me, had been sexually abused by a relative. The individual has had a tough road to healing and seems to be self-destructing. As the conversation went on, someone stated “I hate when people use the excuse ‘I was abused’ as a reason to act out. I hate that society has given them that excuse – they take advantage of it and think it gives them permission to act out.” Now, I know this person meant no harm – but that insensitive and inaccurate mentality is the very one that sends victims into a whirlwind of emotions. So here is my response to that individual, and the rest of you who are on the outside, looking in; with no real understanding of how much of a toll sexual abuse takes on someone. So let me explain something….Displaced hurt is NOT an excuse!

I was abused as a young child between the ages of 11 and 13. I am now 25. I exposed my abuser in 2008. I was 15. You’d think I’d be over it by now, right? WRONG! Sexual abuse is not something you just “get over”. It is an unwanted part of who you are. It is something you carry. Something you cannot forget. For me, it is something I mourned. I mourned the loss of the innocence I once had, the child in me that was forced to grow up. Unfortunately, when I had the ‘birds and bees’ talk with my parents – it was already too late. I had already had a painful introduction to sex, and all of the ‘beautiful feelings’ it was created for when I finally got married. That privilege of being ‘my first’ has already been snatched from the man I will marry.

My introduction to sex was forceful, painful, sickening and bloody; it was SCARY! It was all of the bad emotions that people expect a victim of sexual abuse to feel. But what about the other feelings that no one considers? What about the fact that even though it was an emotionally murderous experience, my body is now familiar with sex; it has now created an appetite that is difficult to suppress. What about the anger that is now so deeply rooted that hate starts to rule in your heart? What about the addictions you form because you feel that there is no one to talk to and no one truly understands? Who else is carrying your thoughts of self-harm or suicide?

These things are all real – and all things that I have experienced. I have experienced trying to have more sex to rid myself of the painful memories of that grueling introduction. I have tried to drink so much to the point of passing out – hoping I’d wake up and not be able to remember. I have considered self harm and suicide. I have tried to be the God proclaiming super saint who has forgiven the abuser and hopes well for him. But the truth is, none of these things worked. On the inside, I was still upset; angry; hurt.

It was not until a friend told me “I am going to love you until it no longer hurts” that I began to heal. I stopped self-medicating, self-harming and began to allow myself to feel the hurt. I began to acknowledge the hurt. I found positive reinforcement in friends and people who really cared about my healing. I started talking about the hurt. I sang about the hurt. I found love. Not in a man who wanted to play on my vulnerability; but I found love in ME! I fell in love with the process of healing organically. I fell in love with the progress and the removal of pain. I fell in love with my voice; and most importantly, I fell in love with freedom!

I have found love for self while healing from the most painful experience I have endured. My process to healing has been nontraditional and full of excess, self-induced pain that created a domino effect of repercussions, failures and heart-breaks. But it has taught me to endure, it has taught me to love and it has taught me to walk in my freedom. No matter how others think, how others feel or what they say. They may not understand my pain, but they will RESPECT my PROGRESS!

For all of you who are on the “outside looking in”, I urge you to consider what that individual is going through before placing judgement. Do not offer fake sympathy wrapped in pity. Do not make statements like “that’s no excuse”. Do not minimize their hurt by saying “oh I am sorry to hear that”. Instead, offer real love and support. Offer ingenuity. Offer friendship. Offer prayer. Offer silence. Chances are, that is all they need! Who knows, you may just save their life!

-Taylor B.

3 comments

1. Hello all,

Social sites have a wealth of information that can be beneficial to our lives. The internet also presents a safe haven for predators seeking to prey on the unknowing. Internet predators are social creatures if only to the people they tend to violate.
I encourage parents and older adolescents to learn about the techniques predators use to meet, groom and violate the targets they go after. It is often easier for us as parents to look for resources after a loved one has been raped, molested, kidnapped or violated in some other way. Please be proactive in your diligent efforts to protect your family, friends and community from predators whose sole intention is to seek, steal and destroy!
We can be who or what we want to be on the social sites that allow us to describe who we are and what we are to others. Young people are being lied to constantly by predators saying what the child wants to hear in a time of crisis or a moment of depression. The predator then sets the stage for a better opportunity or a meeting to support and encourage, only to harm the child or young adult when they show their face.
Make no mistake, college students are being sought out as well as single women. Campus parties are potential hot beds of danger. A simple pill in a drink you turned your back on momentarily, a trip upstairs, a visit to the bathroom together, even an exchange of phone numbers or social media contacts can become dangerous situations.
So, if you need a Uber, Lyft, or go on a date, send your location and the other person’s contact information to your friends and family members. You should also make sure the driver or date knows you gave their info to people for your safety. Use Facebook live to post a video of the person you are with and try to get landmarks in the video. This allows for the authorities or your rescuers to locate you quickly!
Again, education is key to safety. Please use the links below to educate yourselves and lets eliminate RAPE!

Help Is Available…..

(click on the links below to navigate to each site)

National Runaway Switchboard: 1-800-RUNAWAY

Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN): 1-800-656-HOPE

National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC): 1-800-THE-LOST

National Trafficking Hotline: 1-888-3737-888

Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453 or 1-800-4-A-CHILD

Hopeline – 1 800 SUICIDE

www.itsyourchoiceonline.com

www.TAALK.org

Community Forums/Blogs

www.eternitysunrise.org – online magazine and survivor blog

Media Resources

Comfortinthestorm

Making of a Girl

Facebook: Comfort In The Storm

Twitter: @comfortndstorm

Email…[email protected]

Phone…..562 270-4009

The holiday season in near. Use this time to prepare yourselves and your family and friends. What do I mean by prepare? Have a plan in place for different issues that may arise.

Have a plan in place for trips to the mall prior to leaving the house. Review the plan with everyone going to the mall before leaving or upon arrival at the mall. Everyone should know their role in an emergency, the meeting place in or near the mall, each others phone number, etc. Children should not be unattended, especially during the holidays! Malls are super crowded and that is exactly what predators are counting on. If you get separated, again know the meeting place. Children should have the numbers of  911, Police and emergency family contacts in case of separation or emergency. You should have a party plan of emergency as well. Well established rules for each under aged member of the family as well as some adults.

Many people struggle emotionally during the holidays for different reasons. This is a time for the rest of the support system to step up and give extra attention and love to these individuals. A supportive, non judgmental approach would be beneficial in their time of need. Send text messages and make phone calls if you can’t be there physically. Electronic greeting cards are an effective way to show someone that you care. Depression is real and the places it can take someone mentally and physically is real. We must do better at supporting those we consider in our sphere of caring and show them we care. If you suspect someone of contemplating suicide or you yourself are considering suicide PLEASE SEEK ASSISTANCE Now!

Please use todays struggles to be tomorrows rainbow of hope for someone else. Your life matters and time will prove it if you allow it to show you.

Resources

National Suicide Hotline number: 1-800-273-8255

SuicidePreventionLifeline.org

HealthyPlace.com

Suicide.org

I have been extremely disturbed by the recent number of reports of young men being raped by other young men. For months, I have been trying to come to terms with why boy on boy rape is more the norm than the exception. Do these young men not understand that their actions are indeed the definition of RAPE? Why are these young men so inclined to torture and injure another human being with little to no remorse when the victim screams out in excruciating pain and agony? Why are our young men so eager to commit attempted murder on the masculinity of another male? Why is there such an insatiable need to control or dominate another young man to the extent that you would traumatize him in the most brutal ways while others stand around and watch? And, how can so many others be so cowardly that they can hear the screams of the victim, see the agony that he is in, and yet they turn and walk away or stand there and secretly give thanks that they’re not the one being victimized? As we tackle the answers to these questions, I can tell you unequivocally that IT’S OUR FAULT and until we take responsibility, this behavior will continue!

A recent article published on www.timefreepress.com about the rape of an Ooltewah High School basketball player really angered me, but more than that, it disturbed my soul. According to the report, a 15 year old boy was sodomized with a pool cue during a team trip for a basketball tournament. The boy had to undergo surgery to repair his bladder and colon. The incident occurred in a cabin that was rented by the team after several of the players had already complained to the coaching staff about being bullied by older teammates. One mother reports that her son told her he “will never forget his teammate’s piercing scream and opening the door to the sight of him lying on the floor bleeding”.

Another article published on www.dailycaller.com suggested that anal hazing among high school boys is officially an epidemic! The article recounts several recent incidents of anal hazing that included the rape of a La Puente High School soccer player with a javelin and a broken flag pole; the use of rebar and a broom handle to sodomize students in Fontana, CA where a teacher was actually present, the rape of a Nodaway Valley wrestling student in Iowa with jump rope handles, and the repeated rape of a Bronx, NY track team member by three of his teammates. Additionally, we also learned of the rape of several Maine West High School soccer players in a Chicago suburb; the rape of multiple JV soccer players at Somerville High School in Boston, and the rape of football and basketball team members at Plano High in Chicago.

If all of these accounts aren’t enough to bring tears to your eyes, the article also recounted another incident that occurred in 2012 at a wrestling meet involving the 13 year old son of a Norwood, CO principal. The boy was bound with duct tape and anally penetrated with a pencil by two other teammates who were the sons of the wrestling coach! The boys were given a one day IN SCHOOL suspension and when the principal confronted the coach about the incident, it is reported that the coach blew it off as something that occurs daily amongst US students. The citizens of this small town in Colorado reportedly sided with the attackers as well and chalked it up to boys being boys as they recounted their own childhood memories of assault and spoke in amazement that the behavior is now being prosecuted as a crime.

So, is this just child’s play or boys being boys and going “a little too far?” Absolutely not! This is the rape of young men at the hands of other young men. This is what rape culture and years of slavery have produced, and before you shut down at the site of the word SLAVERY, please take a minute to open your mind to the possibility that history has shaped us in ways we never imagined. The term Buck Breaking was when male slaves were brutally raped in front of their wives, children, and other slaves by White slave masters and overseers in attempt to completely emasculate them and control them. This savagery also served notice to the onlookers that they would undoubtedly share the same fate if they tried to rebel or disobeyed the master in any way. Albeit a rather hard pill to swallow, these acts of violence, control, and savagery have been passed down in the DNA and nurtured by relabeling behaviors instead of calling them out for what they are.

A child learns right from wrong by what is modeled in front of them. Therefore, when boundaries aren’t properly taught, they never learn self-control and impulse control. When they are exposed to acts of violence and aggression, they learn that aggression is power. When they are bombarded with images of misogyny and sexual violence through social media, video games, music, and other forms of entertainment, they not only become desensitized to the reality of the brutality they are consuming, but they somehow buy-in to the belief that it is normal or in some small way acceptable. What other explanation can there be for a 15, 16, 17 year old to rape another child because they were “late to practice” or “needed to know who was in charge”?

The other aspect of this directly ties into why kids are paralyzed with fear or casually overlook the brutality against other kids when it’s occurring. As previously mentioned, Buck Breaking was also about warning others not to step out of line, so when a young man is watching his classmate being anally sodomized by another classmate, I imagine the need for self-preservation kicks in with a vengeance. But, this is where we must demand more of our kids and challenge them to be leaders and not followers. In every incident that was previously mentioned, there were countless other teammates that either watched or knew what was going on….that is completely unacceptable. We have to teach personal sacrifice and risk as a virtue worth achieving in an effort to change the status quo.

Ok….so why is it our fault? When I say it is our fault, I am referring to the adult population as a whole. Rape Culture is often defined as the normalization of sexual violence against women. It includes trivializing sexual assault, victim blaming, scrutinizing what women wear as if to say they are asking to be assaulted, excusing sexual harassment, and giving passes to inappropriate and even criminal behavior using excuses like boys will be boys. I personally believe the definition should be broadened to include sexual violence against men as well. Moreover, as a society, our indoctrination into rape culture causes us to routinely excuse sexual abuse, assault, and violence, which has resulted in the lack of prosecution and punishment for these types of crime and is clearly a primary contributor for why the problem persists.

So, while history and DNA are definitely contributors to the problem, it is our current response, or lack thereof, to the problem that gives these young men license to continue with this type of behavior. In some cases, the boys are getting a slap on the wrist, while in other cases they are being prosecuted, but not necessarily to the full extent of the law. And even with prosecution, you still have adult supporters who are pleading their cause by trivializing their actions. We are also placing the reputation of athletic programs over the safety and well-being of our children. Sadly, the victim is routinely asked to quietly carry the shame of what was done to them so the program isn’t shut down and a fellow teammate doesn’t lose the opportunity to further their athletic career.

Society also tends to defend the rapist and places the undue burden of proving the assault on the victim. Even when DNA evidence is present, the victim is almost always questioned about how they ended up in the situation that led to their assault, and hit with a barrage of accusations about how they were in some way responsible for it. Without DNA evidence or significant injury being present following an assault, the victim is rarely believed and if the accusation is taken seriously, his/her entire life and sexual history is dragged through the muck and mire in an effort to discredit the accusation. So once again, we are sending a dangerous message to our young men that there is no real penalty for committing sexual assault.

As a society, we are also guilty of not really educating our kids about what sexual assault is; what consent is, and the importance of respecting boundaries. In a recent survey conducted on the campus of Vanderbilt University in Nashville, TN, the administration learned there was a higher percentage of the student body that had been sexually assaulted than they were aware of. After speaking with students about the survey’s findings, one of the school’s administrators concluded that increased sexual assault rates on college campuses could be directly attributed to a lack of education and understanding about what sexual assault is. In addition, many students also needed a better understanding of the concept of consent. To their credit however, the school is now engaged in creating a comprehensive educational campaign that provides a definitive understanding of sexual assault; consent and prevention.

We have to understand the complexities and the many layers that are involved in identifying and explaining this new epidemic among adolescent males. The trauma that sexual assault causes is life-long and we must start to take the problem seriously. There are far too many dysfunctional men, and women for that matter, in our society who are trying to hold it together every day because of an act of sexual violence that they experienced during childhood and adolescence at the hands of another child. And if I’m to remain true to the cause and sound the alarm as loudly as it needs to be, I must admit that there were many other instances of child on child sexual violence involving children under the age of 10 that I didn’t reference because I know it is a heavy subject and I didn’t want to overwhelm you.

Stop making excuses for sexual assault by relabeling it as boys being boys….IT’S RAPE. And in order to fully address the problem, some parents need to come to terms with the fact that their children are indeed rapists! Otherwise, you become complicit in allowing a sexual predator to run free into adulthood where the desire to rape will become an insatiable addiction that will cause undue pain in the lives of their victims.

Sidenote….some will attribute this behavior to issues of homosexuality, and for some of these boys, there may be some repressed desires that the child may not know how to deal with. However, this is not the case in most instances so please do not be so quick to say “my son isn’t gay so he would never do this.” It’s not about sexual preference…..it is about violence, domination, and power.

As we prepare for the Holiday Season, most of us are dreaming about the aroma of candied yams and our favorite desserts. We are thinking about the excitement that comes with decorating our trees and shopping for those who have been nice, and even some who were a little naughty. But, in all of this, we can’t forget that the Holiday Season can be one of the most dangerous times for some children.

For those children who have been sexually abused, they are often forced to attend family functions where their abuser will be present. They will be forced to be appropriately cordial, if not fully engaged with required hugs and kisses as well as being asked to sit on a lap or engage in any other number of displays of affection that makes the child’s skin crawl. For some, these family events bring pure terror because the child knows they will be sexually abused by at least one, if not more than one, family member or family friend. They are also painfully aware that any sign of unwillingness to engage these monsters in disguise could result in them being scolded or punished by their parent and other family members.

The Holiday Season is also a time when we attend church services and other faith-based activities and these are also prime opportunities for predators to abuse their victims as well. It could be the youth leader, the deacon, or the long-time family friend that you were taught to call uncle. Unfortunately, parents are often so distracted by the joy and excitement of the event that they fail to notice the terror on their child’s face or they mislabel the child’s reluctance to engage the predator as the hormonal tendencies of a moody teenager.

However, before you load up the car and make the trek to your next family gathering or Holiday event, I urge you to have a conversation with your child. Talk to them about their bodies, boundaries, and what inappropriate touching really is.  Ask them if anyone has touched them in a way that has made them uncomfortable. Reassure them that they don’t have to hug or kiss anyone that they don’t want to. Ask them if there is anyone that they don’t want to see or be around. Make it abundantly clear that you will be ok with their answer and they wont be forced to engage anyone that they don’t want to. Give them permission to set their own boundaries. Let them know that they wont be required to be out of sight and feel helpless and alone because the adults are talking and don’t want the itching ears of the kids within earshot. Make sure they understand that they always have access to you and the moment they feel uncomfortable about a person or an activity, they can come to you and tell you without fear of being dismissed and not having their worries taken seriously.

No one wants to believe that their family and friends are capable of such horrible deviant behavior, but there are untold millions of kids being sexually abused in these settings every year. There are untold millions of adults who can tell you that the Holiday Season is always bittersweet because it was during these events that they were sexually abused and year after year even after the abused stopped, they were still forced to interact with their abuser. And, while many parents didn’t know what was going on, it doesn’t negate the terror the child felt because they were unprotected in a house full of family and close friends. Not to mention there are so many family members we often view with a jaundice eye or we know they aren’t to be trusted, but we allow others to make excuses for the gut feeling we have that says that person isn’t safe for your children to be around unsupervised.

I urge every parent and care-giver to take this information seriously and share it with others. It’s a magical time of year, but we can’t allow the joy of the season to dull our sensibilities and place our kids in harm’s way. And yes, it can be a downer, but it can literally save your child from being a victim.

Shout it from the mountaintop!

Silence is freedom to the perpetrator. Silence is a shackle to the victim. Silence is an albatross around the supporter’s neck.

Silence is the very cloak of darkness a predator needs to continue to lurk behind the scene. Predators need to stay masked in order to present themselves as friendly, upstanding citizens with the best of intentions while shaping the situation, grooming the victim and manipulating the support system to gain inclusion and undermine any thoughts of depravity about their behaviors.

When a victim exposes the darkness dwelling within the predator and the depths to which they will sink to commit these Heinous acts, and the very acts committed themselves, you send a crippling blow to the predator.
By exposing their actions to the masses, you remove the mask they need to operate effectively in the circle which they have been preying on victims.

In order for a predator to work they need others to embrace them and give them access to the very victims they seek to victimize. Many of these predators travel in small circles in which they are familiar with, seeking new victims to satisfy their cravings.

Many predators walk in broad daylight, chest puffed out with the knowledge that their past victims will remain silent, shamed, and burdened down with this unthinkable and hopefully unspeakable guilt! It is this belief that emboldens and empowers the predator to openly seek others while smiling and prancing openly for all to see.

We must help the victims to muster up the courage to break the cycle of silence! This illumination deals a blow to the predator and lifts a weight from the victim. To see the individual who raped, molested, beat, abused you daily, weekly or occasionally at family dinner must stop! The anger stays built up in you because you see how others embrace the monster while you sit in silent pain. Place the guilt where it should be, square on the predator. Don’t let them continue to victimize you.

It is time to turn the table and start to assist yourselves with recovery. Let the demon return to the darkness from which it came. Sing your story, tell of their monstrous deeds to all who will listen. You will save not only yourself but future victims from their predatory practices.

Use the resources you have at your disposal to fight back. Post on the internet, let the campus know who they are, tell the neighbors and most importantly, family and friends should be warned of the viper in the midst!

What gives them the right to be free and happy while you are imprisoned? Why should you sit silently while they mock openly? No longer should you sit silently! Please shout it out…