A Mother’s Pain

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. Mainly, I think it was because I allowed self doubt to creep in and cause me to question whether I (we) was really helping anyone.  In the quiet recesses of my mind, I questioned whether we could truly end the epidemic that plagues our society and preys on our children.  Day after day we see the stories of child sex abuse taking place in our schools, religious institutions, and homes, and often the crime is lightly punished if at all.  But today….. I have a renewed sense of conviction and WE can stop this epidemic; even if it’s one child at a time.

I attended a screening of a documentary regarding male survivors this past week and a woman who sat on the front row and whose face I never saw touched my heart in ways I can hardly explain.  She spoke of adopting a little boy at the age of five and how devastated she was to learn from him that he had been sexually abused.  Her heart was obviously broken in what seemed to resonate as a million tiny pieces. She cried and shrieked in pain as she recounted his experiences and questioned how she could help him to heal.  She explained that he is now 33 years old and he is struggling with healing and recovery. The pain in her voice was so heart-wrenching and raw; it resounded with the same ache that she felt when her son first first disclosed his abuse. I knew this because I am all too familiar with that pain.

Hearing this mom grieve for the loss of her son’s innocence under such horrific circumstances caused me to sympathize in ways I wish couldn’t. It also reaffirmed the need for forums such as ours that strive to be a soft place for survivors and their families to land. An environment that gives validation to a mother’s pain for something that happened 25+ years ago, but still hurts when the wound is touched or even slightly brushed upon. A place that tells survivors you can heal, but your journey may not look like other people’s.  It will be unique and that’s ok.

Comfortinthestorm.com doesn’t have all the answers – we never professed to. We are about being exactly what our name says; to provide comfort to you no matter what stage of the storm you’re in.  So when a mother is crying and feels helpless, we can say we understand and we’re here to listen. We’re here to tell you that you’re not alone and you don’t have to suffer in silence. We’re here to share our pain and speak healing into someone else’s brokenness thereby placing us one step closer to our own healing.

The evil is around us; it’s being discussed on the evening news, it’s in the newspaper, and it’s on social media, but if we don’t pull our heads out of the sand and acknowledge that it is often closer than we’d like to admit or may be aware of, the stories of abuse will continue. We have to start educating ourselves, our children, and those around us. It’s an uncomfortable topic and many shy away from it, but I can’t stress enough how important of a conversation it is. Conversations regarding awareness and prevention need to be taking place everywhere, all the time. It will save a child, protect their innocence, and prevent a mother’s pain.

Category: Uncategorized | 5 comments

  • Sister in Christ says:

    I’m very glad that you do this blog.
    A few weeks ago, everything from my childhood and very young adulthood came back to me. I had never dealt with anything, I had never received counseling. Once i got saved aroung 18, I just “believed God” and kept moving. I used God as a coverup, instead of dealing with it. Noone ever preaches about this, noone ever talk about this or other experiences I’ve had like being in foster care.

    Anyway, about three weeks ago it all came up and I changed. I didn’t have a praise, all i could do was cry. I didn’t want to live. Infact I contemplated suicide. I didn’t want this life anymore, especially feeling as if i couldn’t handle the pain of all that took place. I talked to RAINN, they suggested therapy. But, i was too ashamed. I felt severely depressed, lonely…and increasingly dangerous to my self. I didn’t think anyone understood. Then I went to instagram…and I saw that your daughter posted the link. So I came here…and boy did it change my understanding of what a good “saint” was. I always thought if I was doing well, I should never be sad, or mad, or depressed. I realized through this blog that apostolic folks just lke me, deal with issues such as this.

    I look at your daughter interact, her live, her laugh…and I say “how can she after all of that?!” because i cant live, I cant laugh, I cant interact. But I realize, she took the bull by the horns and dealt with it. It has given me power to deal with it all. So I got a therapist, and Im going to my second session next week. I am very fearful, Im scared, Im every emotion under the sun. But if i want to make it to That City…called new jerusalem. I gotta let this thing go.

    Yes, you blog has done all of that for me. I have been entirely too ashamed to comment on anything. But Iv’e read every entry and every comment. Thank you. I look forward to coming out of hiding from you one day. lol. But you have inspired me. very much so.

    • Richard Butler says:

      The Bible tells us that the evil of the day is sufficient unto the day! We are not exempt from the pain, hurt, sadness or violence of this world. We have been guaranteed deliverance from these woes in the life to come.
      Tonight I celebrate you! Your journey will be a day by day step by step growth process. I applaude your courage to post, talk, seek, listen or learn whatever you can to grow stronger and start to heal.
      I pray you get your joy, shout, laughter and peace back, because you deserve those things.
      I challenge you to make this a part of your story, a great journey when told in it’s entirety. Stay encouraged and find friends to support you and your healing.

  • Taylor B says:

    Sister, This is something I wrote in 2009 about a year after starting my journey to healing, hopefully it helps! “As an 11 year old child, there are just some things you don’t think about. There are some things so hard to imagine, that they don’t even cross your mind until they happen to you. It’s like these things only happen to bad people and we often think or say “it’ll never happen to me”. Honestly, I had always thought the same thing. Nope, not me; but then the day came. The day where all those stories of little girls getting raped and molested by family members, or even strangers, became my story.
    As children we’d always hear, “stay away from strangers” or “family is all you have, we’ll never hurt you”. Well, what happens when you rather turn to a stranger than a family member, because that family that was always supposed to be there, were the ones causing you pain and turmoil? Who do you turn to when you are being harshly raped and molested by that family member that was “always supposed to be there”? Who do you turn to when you’re so ashamed that you can’t even talk to your own family? What do you do on those sleepless nights, when the pain is so deep that you can’t even cry any more? Where does the hope come from when you feel as if you can’t even turn to God for the answers, because you feel like he let this happen? Where is there to go, but the secrecies and hurt of your broken heart, and confused mind?
    All the questions above seem like some type of off the wall psychotic questions, but in all reality, that’s what I was thinking. There was not a day I didn’t ask God “why me?” For months I would sit at the edge of my bed and cry, and question God. Some nights I’d pray, others I’d cry, on a few occasions I even questioned if God even loved me like he said he did. I wondered how this happened, when he said he’d never leave me nor forsake me. When he said he’ll bring me through the trouble? Why was god not showing up? I didn’t get it.
    For 3 years, I was raped and sexually toyed with. Honestly. I don’t know how it stopped. I had lost faith in God, I had gained such hatred for my parents, I had shut all my friends out, and portrayed an image that was not really who I appeared to be. i was so wrapped in hurt and pain that i even protected him, because i was to the point where i didn’t want to expose myself and all the pain i was feeling. I had become so immune to the hurt that i began to actually believe that i was ok. I was so used to the nightmares and hurt feelings that i even began to accept it, as if that’s how life was supposed to be.
    I’d lived with the hurt so long, that when I actually told my mother, I still acted as if it didn’t happen. It wasn’t until the day I started counseling that it actually hit me. The pain that I had held on for so long, no longer had to be something I dealt with on my own, not something I had to be ashamed of. It was something that I could be honest about.”

    That is my story in a nutshell. You mentioned in your comment that you look at me and wonder how it is possible to laugh and live after all that has happened to me, and not to be cliche or anything, but it is truly the grace of God. I have battled with this thing for about 9 years now, and there are still rough moments from time to time, and although I no longer go to counseling, my counselor, my family and my boyfriend are all very supportive and help to keep me encouraged. I have learned that this was just a test so that I may have a TESTimony! and that there truly is comfort in the storm! Jesus truly is a comforter and healer. These past 5 years have been quite the journey, and I am proud to be where I am now. The smile I wear is REAL, my laughs are genuine, I am able to love, and to receive love and I am truly happy. It took quite some time, but I am here. And I look forward to speaking with you in the future, and you having this same testimony! I am not sure if you have me as a friend on facebook, but a couple of months ago I posted a “praise report” I guess you could call it, and it stated that I came face to face with the person who abused me for the first time since testifying against him in court, and I was able to look him in the face and walk away without attacking him. I wondered for years what I would do if I ever saw him again, but at that moment all I could do was thank God because that moment is when I realized that I had completely forgiven him, and that I was made whole again. I pray to God that even if you never see this evil person again, that you are able to find peace, happiness, closure and comfort in this all. I pray that some of what I said is of help to you. Please do not be ashamed to approach me or send me a message via facebook or email. I am here for you! You are not alone!

  • Natalie says:

    This is what true fellowship is about. We are suppose to come together share in each others pain, sadness, joy and accomplishments. Sister trust the God that saved you. He knew your pain and past. He never wants us to be silent or fake in our relationship with him. Please stick with your therapist and if they stop working for you find a new one. This is a long journey with valleys and mountain tops. Don’t quit when it gets hard because it will. Fight for your peace and happiness. You deserve it. Remember that the worst if it you have already survived which means you are braver, stronger, smarter and wiser than you give yourself credit for. Healing is hard and requires constant effort but you can heal. Those stripes that God took on his back was for your healing!

    When you are ready, you telling your story will be powerful and you will help someone just like the Butler’s have helped you. I applaud you all! Light kills darkness. Keep shining your light! You are in my prayers! Please find support. This is a journey you can not do alone. You just found three folks that will support you!!

  • Sister in Christ says:

    Thank you for all the love and care. I will remember all of these kind words. I’m not ready to come fourth just yet. But I know one day i will be. Thank you soo much. nothing right now compares to people who understand. Thank you.